as a christian what to do when your son tells you he is a trangender

It's a troubling fact: Anti-transgender parents can harm their children — potentially for life. A lot of research shows that if parents or families turn down, mistreat, or otherwise mishandle a child due to the child'southward gender identity, they can significantly increase the risks of the kid acting out, developing mental wellness issues, and attempting suicide. So how tin a parent make sure that they get this right?

I reached out to Diane Ehrensaft, a developmental psychologist who works closely with trans kids and writer of the insightful The Gender Creative Kid, to go answers to some of the questions parents might have.

In brusk, Ehrensaft put forwards a very consistent theme: Parents should pay very close attention to persistent cues from their children, accept those cues seriously, and not effort to forcefully alter the management a child seems to exist going in. So if a child is consistently showing signs that their gender identity or expression does not match the gender that was assigned to them at nascence, parents should take that seriously, and let the child live based on their clearly and persistently expressed identity. And to the extent a parent can get this wrong, it's past acting too rigidly and trying to force a child into acting like someone they're simply not.

What follows is my conversation with Ehrensaft, edited for length and clarity.

How to tell if a kid is transgender: pay attention, and take the cues seriously — without policing gender

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German Lopez: How can parents realize if their child is transgender?

Diane Ehrensaft: Like other parts of parenting, keep your eyes open and heed. Kids will ship out pretty strong smoke signals that they're working out something almost gender. The parents may not exist able to know that the child is transgender right away.

Unfortunately, nosotros don't accept a claret test, which everybody wishes we did to be crystal clear. We can only get a cross-section of a child and where that child is at the moment.

Here'due south what we look for:

If a child says something like the statement, "yous accept it wrong; I'm not the gender y'all think I am" or "why did God get it incorrect?" or "tin can I get back in your tummy and come out with the right parts?" you want to pay attention to those signals.

If a child is insistent, consistent, and persistent on that message or related messages, we want to pay attention to it. So it'south not but 1 signal in fourth dimension, merely over many points in time. It keeps coming back to the same thing.

"If a child says something similar … 'Tin can I go back in your tummy and come up out with the right parts?' you want to pay attending to those signals"

If a kid, especially a young child, is really excited about their torso parts, and says "Tin can I grow one?" or "Tin can I cut this i off?" there's frequently a signal of a existent unhappiness with the body that y'all accept and that marks you as a boy or a daughter in the culture.

Lots of kids these days similar to play with toys that were labeled for the other gender. That's not uncommon. We know Target took down gender-segregated toys. Nosotros know something's going on in the civilisation. And then at that place'south a lot of kids — boys who want to play with dolls, girls who want to play with trucks, etc.

The child who's transgender often will go beyond play to what I call "serious business concern." They're not just, for example, wanting to try out their sister'southward princess dress and pretend to be a princess for a solar day. They practise that, too. But they may — as someone who'southward [designated as] a boy who says, "I'grand a daughter" — go and steal their sister's full clothes, regular daughter apparel, and then they tin can dress to tell people, "Hey, this is who I am. I'g not a fairy princess. Only I'm a girl who wants to get to schoolhouse dressed like this." So you look for play equally "serious business concern."

It's not fool-proof, simply those are good signs.

There are things parents should do if they realize a child is transgender. But mostly, they should be accepting.

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GL: Let's say some parents think their child is trans. What should they do and so?

DE: In terms of the mental wellness field, I will quote Dickens: It's the all-time of times, information technology'due south the worst of times.

If they can discover a well-trained, gender-affirmative professional to help them call up most information technology, that's a adept style to go, because it's difficult to exercise this on your own. Some people do it with support groups. Some people do it by connecting with other people online. Some people simply take it inside their own basic to be able to read the tea leaves and know what to exercise about it.

Simply given the journey ahead, if you can observe someone similar a pediatrician that you lot go to from fourth dimension to time for check-ups, but who's a mental wellness professional, sensitive to gender issues, [and] who tin but be part of your team to think well-nigh information technology and offer their expertise, that'due south a proficient pace.

"If they tin can find a well-trained, gender-affirmative professional to help them think nearly information technology, that'south a adept way to go"

What a parent tin do is to watch out for being a law officer of gender. That harms kids, and it gives them bad letters. And then if you say, "You lot can't do that, considering boys aren't allowed to," that's a real pain on your child, and that can accept some dissentious effects.

If you lot say something a petty different — "You know, beloved, where nosotros live people don't understand this, and then we might exercise this merely at home, but until nosotros help the people out there to empathise information technology, we might just exit it at home" — it's withal a bit of a mixed message, but it says to the child that "the trouble is not with you, the trouble is the town nosotros live in, so we're going to create safe spaces for you." The hope there is the kid doesn't take information technology in as "I'm weird" simply that this globe has a lot of learning to practice.

Merely the first thing you want to do, similar with whatsoever other sense of identity, is instill pride in the child, rather than shame.

Javier Zarracina/Phonation

GL: I imagine that a lot of parents are unfortunately not going to have access to very expert mental health professionals for all sorts of reasons — geography, insurance, or whatnot. And so what are some of the common tips and guidance yous would give to those parents, who think their kids are trans?

DE: The first matter — and this is the motto you can put on your wall — is around children'southward gender, it's not for us to say, but for them to tell, and to give them the opportunity to say what's going on with them. And listen.

The second is that all of us, equally parents and people walking down the street, take what I call gender ghosts and gender angels.

The gender ghosts are all of the letters that we got in the way we live — such as our religious beliefs — that tell us that at that place's something wrong if a kid is either gender nonconforming or transgender, or that makes you lot feel uncomfortable or weird about information technology. Y'all tin't sweep the gender ghost under the carpet, because they're there. And then you have to accept them out and take a look at them. And if you're parents, you always should be questioning yourselves: "Are any of these beliefs harming my child?"

Most parents honey their children and believe that they're supporting their children. Simply what they offer may not sometimes be expert for the child. And that's where gender ghosts come in: You may feel like y'all're supporting your child by saying "don't be ridiculous, boys don't wear dresses" [by] showing them how to be a boy in the culture, but at the same time y'all're giving them a very negative message about who they are.

"If you lot're parents, you always should be questioning yourselves: 'Are any of these beliefs harming my child?'"

This, quite frankly, is why nosotros such high levels of feet, depression, social withdrawal, interim out at school — this kind of common misery amid gender nonconforming kids who are getting messages like that. Those are our gender ghosts speaking.

So we want to bring them out to the light of day and put them at war with what I telephone call our gender angels. Those are the parts of us — and I think they're either there or can exist harvested and fertilized — which open upward our optics to gender expansiveness, to the notion of gender diversity, to the notion that not post-obit the rules does not mean you lot're sick or have a illness or that it'due south pathological, but that it'southward creative. That'due south why I telephone call information technology the gender-creative child in the book. And it'south just who these children are.

And so nosotros accept who these children are. I do believe that when we have people around gender ghosts and gender angels, we have a cognitive dissonance moment. The gender ghosts are telling you, "This is wrong," "This goes against the principles of my faith," etc. On the other side of that comes, "Just I dearest my child very much. And I tin either change those beliefs or hurt my child." So what I meet over and over once again amid the parents I know is dear conquers all — that sadly in that location are certain families where it does not happen, but happily in that location are families where their kid greatly changes them, and brings out the gender angels and poofs away their gender ghosts.

The next matter is that no matter where you are, you tin find other parents. Fortunately, we have the internet. And there are now and so many organizations that take chatrooms or places where parents tin ready a [email] listserv with each other. And it has been a wonderful change for parents to not feel isolated in their experiences. And in the United states, there are now conferences all over the state where people can come across other parents, meet professionals, have the children meet each other — and even doing that once a year tin make a tremendous difference.

Children can realize that they're transgender at a very young age. Or they might not — and still exist transgender.

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GL: When should yous expect a child to exist more comfortable and confident in their identity, so you know it's perhaps a sure matter?

DE: Since you demand to know that they're persistent and consistent over time, obviously yous demand time. It can't be one point in fourth dimension. This is the most complicated thing about parenting a gender-creative kid.

It could pop upward at any time. At that place's no 1 boilerplate. There are a subgroup of kids where you most probable know past the time they're in preschool. And they will then ascertain early on, and they won't switch. So yous could know in the first year of life if you lot take your eyes open. You might need more time to really become it in focus. But I'1000 having a number of parents who are now coming to talk to me most their three three-year-olds, where they already got information technology [that] they have a transgender 3-year-old.

Now, everybody gets a little nervous about that. "How could a 3-twelvemonth-old know their gender?" But for kids who are non transgender, we should expect them to know their gender by age 3. In our culture, we expect most kids to know if they line up in the boys' line or the girls' line. But we don't requite the same breadth to transgender children. And because I don't retrieve many of u.s. understand that gender doesn't belong between their legs, but between their ears — it's their mind and their encephalon. So even amidst the littlest ones, their minds are already fabricated up.

"In our culture, we look most kids to know if they line up in the boys' line or the girls' line. But nosotros don't give the aforementioned latitude to transgender children."

But at that place are other kids for which it may non bear witness upwardly until they hit puberty. Often puberty is a betoken in which the torso starts to change [and] suddenly it rises up, whatever was lying quietly and dormant, and they'll go, "Whoa, await a second, this feels so wrong, and I'one thousand miserable."

Now, a lot of kids are miserable through puberty. We know that. Whatsoever ane of u.s. could probably tell a tale.

Simply this is a different kind of misery. Then if you're not transgender, if you imagine that yous woke upward one forenoon and your nose was turning into an elephant torso, and you lot are going to have to live that mode for the balance of your life, that's how it feels. Unless you lot would similar to have an elephant trunk, but allow'south assume you wouldn't.

Kids are ofttimes traumatized, and that's a moment where they may say for the first time, "Well, y'all know what? I'm not a boy. I'yard a daughter. And I'chiliad freaked out." And parents will oftentimes at that point be really dislocated, because they'll say, "Only they weren't that way when they were toddlers. I never saw an inkling of this." And that doesn't hateful it'southward not true.

Gender is a lifelong procedure. And it's not necessarily fixed at a time, although for many of u.s. we're stable by age five. That's the claiming for parents: Information technology could testify up at whatever point, and you'll accept to showtime from that point on. Is it really persistent and consistent? Is information technology stable? Is information technology actually a solution to something else, or not about gender at all? Tricky questions.

While parents should be willing to help their kids alive their identities, they need to look for consistency

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GL: I'm sure a lot of parents would worry, especially with a 3-yr-old, that they would showtime treating the child differently — like letting the child transition — and information technology might turn out that the child was but gender nonconforming or going through what some people would call a phase. How do you remainder out that concern?

DE: By not going too fast. Yous raise a very of import signal: that, indeed, yous don't want to jump to a conclusion by one indicate in fourth dimension.

Now, I know that in developmental psychology, nosotros accept phases, [and] kids go through phases. So the mutual response from a pediatrician when a parent says, "My piffling daughter doesn't ever want to article of clothing a dress," is that she'due south just going through a phase. That's a possibility, but information technology'south quite unlikely.

And then what we desire to do is requite it some time to see whether this isn't a flash in the pan. But don't give it too much time, because then you have a miserable child.

"What we want to practice is give it some time to see whether this isn't a flash in the pan. Just don't give it too much time, because then you lot take a miserable child."

We do have some parents, particularly with all of the coverage of transgender children, who are too hot to attempt. They come up with their fake gender angels, claiming, "Nosotros are progressive. Nosotros volition support our child. Nosotros believe in transgender children. And and so nosotros'll allow our child to transition from boy to girl." And and so you lot run into the child and they're like, "Whoa, no, no, I'g just saying I want to try this out."

Here's what we have to aid us with that: what I call the ex-mail-facto test. And it's a pretty skilful one. Information technology's not universally accurate. But if y'all got it correct and you listen to the child, and you heard what they have to say, and what you heard is that they're non the kid you lot think they are, and if you let them live full time in the gender they say they are, they get happier — non only a lilliputian bit happier, just it's besides a remarkable transformation. So the ex-mail-facto exam says, "I got it correct. I accept a much happier, healthier kid at present that I finally listened and permit them be who they are."

If they're not happy, and their misery goes upward, y'all go, "Oh, maybe nosotros should get expect at that." It doesn't necessarily hateful that they're not transgender. It may hateful that they're going to a schoolhouse that treats them terribly everyday, then there are things that are hurting them in the world. So you want to pay attention to what's going there.

But you look for a happiness quotient. I see it every bit a professional. Only I also hear it from parents who say, "Wow, I wish nosotros listened earlier. I didn't realize. But I now take a different view."

To the extent trans people suffer unduly from mental health issues, it'southward due to bigotry

Transgender people protest North Carolina'southward anti-LGBTQ law.

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GL: For a lot of people, there's a lot of confusion in what the medical and scientific fields say about this. For instance, I've seen some members of Congress cite gender dysphoria and the fact it's listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Transmission of Mental Disorders as proof — and these are their words, not mine — that trans people are mentally ill and matted. But based on what you're saying and what other medical professionals and trans people have told me, to the extent some trans people take severe dysphoria — and not all trans people practise — it should be treated past letting them transition without discrimination, not effort to change their identity. Is that correct?

DE: Yes. Absolutely.

I would get-go by saying that there are some of usa who are however fighting to get any mention of gender out of the DSM for the exact reasons you just said: Information technology pathologizes children around something that is not pathological.

There are parallels to homosexuality. We got information technology out of the book, and now nosotros take union equality years later, which I think is relevant to recognizing i's variety rather than pathology around sexual identity.

Then a lot of people need an education.

"We desire to assistance them become their gender in club — to help them live in their true gender cocky, their gender identity"

Even with the [gender dysphoria] diagnosis, that just means that someone is having an upset until they get their gender in club. And we desire to aid them get their gender in order — to help them live in their true gender self, their gender identity. And that should be the goal for any child and adults as well.

If there'southward whatsoever pathology, it lies in the culture, not in the child.

The only difficulty for some is they do get upset nigh how their trunk is showing upwards. That'due south not just around the culture out there — although when the civilisation says penis equals boy and vagina equals girl, and no one with a penis tin exist a girl, that seriously upsets people. But still, there might be an upset almost your body.

So I retrieve the 1 affair we practise come across that is within the kid who has a encephalon that's saying I have XX chromosomes merely I'one thousand a boy is that they have body mismatch sometimes, and it makes them unhappy, no matter how accepting everybody is.

But if there's any misery, it's probably because people aren't being allowed to live their lives based on who they are.

Information technology's not simply a social construct or biological. Gender identity is influenced by all sorts of variables.

GL: With some people, peculiarly those skeptical of everything that nosotros're discussing, one source of defoliation I've seen is that, on one hand, experts are telling them that gender is a social construct, but, on the other hand, experts are saying that gender identity is something inherent in kids that they might realize as young equally three, iv, or 5 years old. There's simply a lot of confusion about those two concepts. So how practise you lot explain it to people?

DE: Hither's how I explain the whole notion of gender: It'due south not completely unrelated to culture, nor is it only a social construct. That's why I use the concept of a gender spider web — that every person's gender is spinning together nature, nurture, and culture. So we have to await at all three components, but there is a strong internal — and nosotros can put it in nature, we can put it in nurture.

But gender is not just shaped past the outside, because otherwise we could spin these transgender kids into being cisgender [non trans]. And we can't; that would but make them get cloak-and-dagger. And so there is a constitutional, biological component that reasons people's gender, but it'south not the but stream coming in.

So we take to consider all three: nature, nurture, and culture.

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GL: So on the 1 hand you do have these roles that people expect of certain genders, and those are the social constructs. Only on the other mitt people inherently identify in certain ways, based on how they think of themselves, their bodies, and all of that. And all of these factors come together to influence somebody's gender identity.

DE: Exactly. And I would say to this day, for why information technology is, it's even so a mystery. Nosotros know a lot and we're learning a lot more about the "what is it?" but not so much the "why" of it.

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Source: https://www.vox.com/2016/6/6/11853060/transgender-children-parents

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